Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Abraham: The Delusional Father of 3 Faiths. Part 2

When we last saw Abraham in Part 1, he has just gained a new name and lost his 100 year-old foreskin.  Now, sitting in front of his tent, he gets a visit from Yahweh in the form of three men - or maybe it's Yahweh and his bodyguard angels.  It's really not clear.  Abe is, of course, not the least bit surprised to see Yahweh's Avatar in triplicate - perfectly natural, no explanation required or given.  Christians - at least those who believe in the Trinity - will see this as foreshadowing - or maybe Jesus and the Holy Spirit have separate avatars here?  Whatever the case, Yahweh and the other two are pretty hungry.  Abe and Sarah rush around getting their slaves to make up something yummy, and they've got to wash Yahweh's feet, of course.  Even gods get their feet dirty in the desert..
While Abe is eating with them, Sarah is eaves-dropping in on their conversation.  Yahweh predicts - again - that Sarah will have a child.  For some reason, even though Yahweh already made this prediction to Abraham before, Sarah is surprised and laughs, saying how can I have a child now that I'm old?  She must be getting senile, since she has apparently not only forgot about the previous predictions, but also that she's been barren her whole life - a good thing or she's have a bunch of pharaoh's babies! - since she's now wondering how a post-menopausal woman with a withered up old hubby will get pregnant as if that's the only thing stopping her from getting knocked-up.  Yahweh says to Abraham, "why did Sarah laugh?" and he quotes what she just said.  Why does he ask Abraham instead of Sarah?  Maybe he thinks Abraham can read Sarah's mind?  Maybe it's impolite to address a woman directly, because she's just a woman after all.  Anyway, Yahweh says "is there anything too difficult for me?" (well, apparently yes, judging by the next paragraph, and his need to murder his son before he can forgive people instead of just forgiving them, and apparently getting his people to write a book that actually makes and isn't full of contradictions is also too difficult, and... well, I'd better stop there or we'll never get to the rest of the story..). 
Sarah is  afraid, but apparently not afraid enough to stop her from piping up and lying about what she just said to this stranger that her hubby is treating like he's god or something.  "I did not laugh!"
Yahweh says "yes, you did laugh.".
Unfortunately, they cut the story off there without going into the rest of the argument which I imagine went something like this:
Sarah: "Did not"
Yahweh: "Did too"
Sarah:  "Did not"
Yahweh:  "Did so.  I heard you.  I was right here and you were just a few feet away behind the tent flap, which isn't exactly sound-proof and I have super-hearing."
Sarah:  "That wasn't me."
Yahweh:  "It was so.  Do you you even know who you're talking to?"
Sarah:  "No, you're just three strangers who think they can make me pregnant!  Wait a minute... Abraham, what are you planning???"
Abraham:  "Actually dear, this is Yahweh.  You know... our god."
Sarah:  "Oh... my bad."

Then Yahweh x3, (or Yahweh and bodyguards or whatever they are), and Abraham walk together and Yahweh looks down the hill at Sodom and Gomorrah and says "Hmmmm, should I hide my plans from Abraham?  Well, he is going to be the father of my chosen people, because I promised him he would, so why not tell him... Hey Abe, I've heard there's some really nasty stuff going on down there so I'm going to go check it out and see what's up."  Apparently Yahweh hadn't yet gotten the omniscience power.  I think he has to level up a few times before that, 'cause you know, it's one thing to create the universe, but to see what's going on in a city a few miles away... that takes some real power!  So the two bodyguards head down to the cities and the main Yahweh avatar stays with Abe.  Abraham apparently has a better moral compass than Yahweh and probably also remembers his nephew lives in Sodom, so he says, "Ummm, Yahweh, are you really going to kill everyone down there, good guys and bad guys?  What if there's like, 50 good guys?  C'mon, you're the judge of all the earth, man, do the right thing!"
And Yahweh says, "OK, if there's 50 good guys, I'll spare the city."
Then Abraham, smart guy that he is, starts negotiating and knows it's best to suck up first.  So he says, "now that I've been so bold as to question you even though I'm just dust and ashes, what if there's only 45 good guys."    
Yahweh, "OK 45."
Abraham:  "What about 40?"
Yahweh:  "Ok, I'll spare the cities for 40 good guys."
Abe: "Don't get angry, please...what about 30?
Yahweh: "oh for the love of!... Fine... I won't blow the cities to smithereens if there are 30."
Abraham:  "Now that I've been so bold as to speak - "
Yahweh:  "You said that already, like 3 sentences ago.  You're just repeating yourself now."
Abraham:  "Oh, sorry, ummm... what about 20?"
Yahweh:  "Fine, 20."
Abraham:  "Ok, don't be angry -"
Yahweh : "If you keep repeating yourself like this I WILL get angry you little twerp!"
Abraham: "What about 10?"
Yahweh:  "For the sake of 10, I will not destroy it."
Then, negotiation apparently concluded, Abe goes home. (Gen 18)

Chapter 19 doesn't have Abraham in it, so I'll save the long version of that story for another post.  It's the one where the two angels (they may be the bodyguards who were with Yahweh earlier - again, it's not actually explained anywhere) go to Sodom and find Lot, the righteous guy who offers up his daughters for gang-rape.  Apparently he's the only righteous dude in Sodom, so they save him and his family, and Yahweh turns the party cities into Chernobyl.

Then the action shifts back to Abraham in chapter 20.
Abraham, having been so successful with his "she's my sister" con job in Egypt, decides to try it again.  He moves into an area called Negev and again lies about Sarah being his sister.  The king, Abimelek, is apparently tired of all the hot young chicks he has and decides he wants the hot nonagenarian (that means she's in her 90s), Sarah, so he sends for her and Abraham graciously pimps her out again.
Yahweh once again plays his part in the con and [pretends it's all Abimelek's fault.  He shows up to Abimelek in a dream - guess his avatar is reserved for VIPs like Abraham - and says "you're as good as dead because of this woman you've taken."
Abimelek said, "Whoa, how was I supposed to know she was married?  That Abe guy told me she was his sister, and she told me he was her brother.  Besides, I haven't touched her yet.  My conscience is clean."
Yahweh, as usual, takes the credit and says, "oh right, I knew that.  Yeah, it was me who stopped you from sleeping with her so you wouldn't, you know, offend me or something.  Now give her back to Abraham because he's a prophet, and he'll pray for you and I'll listen to him and spare your life.  But if you decide to keep her... I'll kill you and and all who belong to you.  Because, you know, it's your slaves' fault if you sleep with my pimp prophet's wife, so I'll kill them, too."

Abimelek wakes up.  Like any reasonable man, he realizes that his dream was a visitation from a god - it couldn't be just a dream or anything like that.  So he summons his officials and tells them about his dream and they get scared.  Then he summons Abraham and asks him, "What are you doing to me?  What did I do to piss you off?"
Abraham: "Well I came here and I figured since you guys were a bunch of evil heathens that aren't afraid of my awesome god Yahweh, you'd probably kill me to get your hands on my hot wife, so I told a little fib about her being my sister,  Besides, it wasn't a total lie, she's actually my half-sister.  And after I married her I told her, this is the deal, Yahweh tells me where to go, and I'll pimp you out by pretending you're my sister.  That's how you can show how much you love me!"

Even though Abraham has pretty much just explained to Abimelek that he's been conned, the "my god will kick your ass" threat does it's job and Abimelek gives Abraham a pile of money, livestock and land to make up for his "offense."
Then Abraham prayed to Yahweh who then healed Abimelek and all his slaves so they could have children again.  Yeah, I'm confused too, since there was no mention of Yahweh making them infertile in the first place, but apparently he did because of the great sin of having unknowingly taken in a married woman.

To be continued in Part 3.  Stay tuned to hear about how the morally upstanding Abraham hog ties his own child and puts a knife to his throat.  It's the bestest kid's bible story, ever!  (well, except for that one where Yahweh drowns the entire planet except for the old drunk guy and a bunch of stuffed animals.)